Monday, July 11, 2022

Relinquishing Control

Okay, I'm a closet control freak.  (Don't laugh.  Fine.  Maybe it's not so closeted after all.)  I manage to keep it under wraps for the most part, but often, I'm squirming on the inside.  

For instance, yesterday, someone gave us four big zucchinis.  I took the peels off and the guts out.  And put them all in baggies for later shredding.  Twelve big hunks in three bags, by the way.  Not long after, Hubs then took it upon himself to do the shredding for me, because he knows I won't feel like doing it after work this week.  It was an extremely nice and considerate thing for him to do.  But while he was shredding I was sitting in the office, trying to stay the hell out of his way, and squirming.  

All the things I used to do around the house, Hubs is doing now.  He's doing a most excellent job.  But he's not doing it my way.  And I am NOT saying a damn thing about any of it.  

You see, before I met Hubs, I spent too many years with more than one control freak.  Men who would openly criticize damn near everything I did.  I didn't clean right.  I didn't do the dishes right.  I didn't say the right things in company.  I didn't dress right.  You name it.  Hell, I wasn't even brushing my teeth right.  Umm, yeah.  I don't ever want to do that to Hubs.  If he's kind enough to wash the dishes, I am not going to be the shit who tells him he's doing it wrong.  He's not wrong.  His way is different.  The dishes are still clean.  Berating him would be a shit thing to do.  Also super hypocritical, seeing as how I hate it when it was done to me.  

I probably did it to Owl.  For that, I am deeply sorry.  I tried not to.  Often, I just did things myself so I wouldn't feel the urge to get after her for not doing things my way.  It probably wasn't right, but I did the best I could.  I could've yelled instead.  At the time, those were my only choices.  I didn't have the fortitude to let her get things done in her own way and keep my mouth closed.  And I didn't have the time to go behind her fixing things when she wasn't looking so I wouldn't harsh her attempts.  Unfortunately, I think this also teaches a child that if they do something wrong the first time, they never have to do it again because Mom will just take over.  :shrug:  Momming isn't easy.

With age comes wisdom.  Haranguing Hubs for not doing things my way isn't the answer.  It doesn't actually help.  Instead, I just say 'thank you' and go about my day.  Hell, in the past when he's done the dishes, I've gone back and rearranged the dishwasher to suit myself.  Now?  Who has time for that?  Thank you, Hubs, and move along.  I'm just glad the dishes are done.

We did have a little bit of a laugh yesterday.  Former Domestic Manager forgot to leave instructions behind for her replacement, so Current Domestic Manager couldn't figure out something I know without thinking about.  I showed him.  He knows now.  It's all good.  And like he left instructions for the man who replaced him in his job 9 years ago, I should've thought to leave instructions for him.  I know now, too.  And like I said, we laughed about it instead of getting all up in each others' faces about it.

It's all about relinquishing control, which is pretty hard for me, but I'm getting there.  


  1. You so totally have a keeper in Hubs! When LG decides to vacuum, I hide in my office and mutter imprecations under my breath. It's not that he doesn't do it...right, precisely, it's that he doesn't LISTEN to the machine. This is why we have to replace the vacuum about every 6 months, despite warranties because he pretty much voids them. Things get wrapped around the brush roller. The suck tube gets clogged. The belt gets overheated. The pitch of the darn things changes when any of that happens--not to mention you can smell the damn rubber burning. I hate to vacumm so I just sit in my corner saying bad things and start stashing away $$ for the next vacuum. Also, he knows better than to touch the dishwasher (which we haven't actually used in 2 years because it's broken and I'm too cheap to buy a new one because it's just the two of use and there's not many dishes so I just hand wash and air dry) or laundry because everything he does gets washed in hot. Including a red shirt and a white cotton sweater that came out mauve and toddler sized. Yeah. I'm sure he bitches about me out of earshot but hey, after almost 40 years together, we just deal.

    And like I said at the beginning, you have a real keeper in Hubs!

  2. Your Hubs is great! You caught the luck with that one. :-)

    I'm a bit of a control freak. (Stop laughing!) My brother drives me crazy when he comes over to 'help', and he'd come every day if I let him. But I ALWAYS tell him, "Nope, nothing needs doing around here" unless I'm desperate and physically incapable. I'd rather it never got done than to bite my tongue off not scolding him.

    The poor guy means well, but he drives me crazy.

    Oh, written instructions from my predecessor! That would have been heaven! Sadly, it never occurred to me to write them for the next person, though I did hang around to train the poor person.