Saturday, September 1, 2012

Just for fun - the Jokes

And here are the jokes to go with those punchlines I posted on Thursday.

1.  One day a bible publisher was standing in the warehouse wondering how to move his product when a squirrely little man wanders in.  "Can I help you?" the publisher says. 
"I..I..I wwwant to bbbe your new salesman." 
"I don't think that would be a good idea." 
", really.  I...I... can ssssell your b...b...bibles."
The publisher figures the damn things aren't going anywhere anyway, so what the heck.  He gives the dude a box full of bibles and sends him off into the world.  The next morning, the little guy is back.
"N...n...n...need more bibles."
The publisher is so stunned, he points to two more boxes and the little guy leaves with them.  The next morning, the little guy is back.
"N...n...n...need more bibles."
By now the publisher has recovered from his shock, but he's still stunned.  Before he gives the guy any more books, he asks, "What's you secret?"
The little guy says, "I...I...I... t...t...take the up to ssssomeone's front d...d...door and ask w...w...would you like to my bible ...or would you like me to read it to you?"

2. What do you get when you cross a German Shepherd with a giraffe?  A watchdog for the second floor.

3. One day a blonde decides she going ice fishing.  She goes to the store and buys all the gear - the little pole and the auger, a heated seat and several boxes of bait.  Off she goes to the ice.  She sets up and picks up the auger to drill her first hole.  All of sudden, a voice booms out of the sky over her.  "There are no fish under the ice."  Gathering up all her supplies, she moves off down the ice.  She sets up all her stuff.  As soon as she picks up the auger, she hears the voice again.  "There are no fish under the ice."  Once more she moves farther down the ice and tries again.  This time when the voice booms out "There are no fish under the ice", she looks skyward and says, "God?  Is that you?"  And the voice says: "No, this is the manager of the ice rink."

4.  A blind guy walks into a department store, picks up his seeing-eye dog by the tail and starts swinging it over his head.  Horrified, the manager runs up. "Sir!  What do you think you're doing?" To which the blind guy replies, "Eh.  Just looking around."

5.  Guy walks into a bar with a three legged pig.  He tells the bartender, "My pig's special.  And if I show you just how special, you have to give me a drink."  The bartender shrugs and agrees. The man snaps his fingers and the pig starts singing opera.  He snaps his fingers again and the pig starts dancing so well you can't tell it only has three legs.  He snaps a third time and the pig starts playing Joplin on the piano.  The bartender offers the guy whatever he wants if he'll answer one question.  "Why's your pig only got three legs?"  To which the guy replies: "You don't eat a pig that good all at once."

6. What do you call a cow with no legs?  Ground beef.

7. Why did the blond stare at her orange juice?  Because the can said concentrate.

8. Why did Dumb Donald cut a whole in the rug?  To see the floor show.

9. Three clergymen of different faiths get together and have a fundraiser.  When it's over they get into an argument about how to divide the proceeds.  The first says "Let's draw a circle on the floor.  We'll throw the money in the air.  Whatever lands inside the circle we keep and whatever lands outside goes to God.  The second shakes his head.  "I'm all for drawing a circle, but I say whatever lands outside the circle we keep.  Whatever is inside the circle goes to God."  The third shakes his head at both of his colleagues.  "You are both right about the circle, but what I propose is that we throw the money in the air and what God wants, he keeps."

10. What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel balls?  Sparky

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