Friday, September 21, 2012

Aunt Dot's Guide to Household Weaponry

There's a story my family tells of the day my Uncle Leo tried to take the last piece of pie.  Aunt Dot stabbed him with a fork - because, hey, the last piece is for guests.

In honor of good ol' Aunt Dot and her handy uses for kitchen cutlery, I've decided to start up a weekly installment of what I would imagine would be her thoughts on everyday items turned into instruments of death and destruction.

Take it away, Aunt Dot!

Good morning, Dears.  Can I offer anyone a slice of pie?  No?  Well, then let's get started.  Today I'd like to talk about the most handy of kitchen inventions:The Meat Thermometer.

Let's say a man enters your house intent to rip your lovely flowered house-dress off and ravage your body.  If you're like me, you've most likely got a pot roast in the oven or a chicken roasting away.  Leo does love his roasted chicken.  Well, if that's so, then you already have your meat thermometer handy.  If he comes at you from the front, simply pick an eye and aim for it.  Chances are you'll miss, but when you do, there're plenty of fleshy spaces for the point to sink into.  If he's already grabbed you from behind, reach back and stab at his eyes or, and Leo should remember this for the next time he wants to play hide the streudel... I already have enough children, thank you very much..., aim for his family jewels.

And that's how you use...  What, dear?  How would I use a meat thermometer to do away with someone??  I would never...  Well, yes, I suppose as a writer, it would be something for you to consider.  Just hypothetically, mind you...

Well, if I were to use a meat thermometer in that way... mind you I've never thought of such a thing... I guess I'd wait until they were asleep.  Creep up.  Pull the comforter back.  Find the depression between the third and fourth ribs on the left side and push that sucker in like I was testing a Thanksgiving turkey.  Of course, then you have to pull it back out really quick or it plugs its own hole...  But I'm just theorizing.  Leo, dear, why are you turning green?

Disclaimer: Other than the names, and the pie incident, the above is born of my twisted imagination.  As far as I can remember, my aunt was a lovely old woman who, except for stabbing Uncle Leo that one time, would never hurt anyone.  But she passed away 32 years ago, so I can't be sure.  Leo preceded her--I don't remember him at all.  I'd like to think, though, that Dot and Leo would appreciate the humor of this.  And I hope you do, too.  

Look for next week's installment when Aunt Dot explores the use of pinking shears for more than just creating a cute border.


  1. Very funny. Thanks!!!
    Come visit me at my blog.
    Blessings, Barb

  2. Ha, that's awesome! I look forward to more of her advice. And to think I always find the kitchen a boring place...

  3. Okay. I want to take Aunt Dot for a Girl's Night Out. Just sayin'...

    Can't wait for this week's installment.

  4. There was a movie with Gwynyth Paltrow where she killed an intruder with a meat thermometer. He was, ahem, well done that point.