My only question is: Does it grab you and make you want to keep reading? If not, and if you don't mind saying, why? (I promise not to go all freakazoid on anyone as long as everyone promises to play nice. As always any rude comments will not be allowed to post.)
Enjoy...
DLN - Chapter One, Page One
Something in my gut told me this rescue wasn’t going to be a bundle of fun, even before Basil’s wish went haywire. Nothing like being plopped on my ass in a mound of kudzu to confirm my suspicions.
About a hundred yards ahead of me stood the derelict warehouse mentioned in the alert. After verifying everything was still intact, I pulled my hair back into a ponytail while I made a mental note to chat with my assistant about his aim. No matter how urgent the circumstances seemed, losing focus in the middle of a job wasn’t kosher.
I took a step toward the building, cursing the plants tangled around my ankles and wondering how any Djinn could get misplaced in this locale. Maybe the alert was wrong. I created the alert system to help my brethren. For the most part, they were dead-on, but every once in a while an alert did come back false. Even the best system isn’t foolproof.
I didn’t struggle through more than a few feet of noxious vines before I sent a silent apology to Basil for doubting his aim. If the crackle in the air was any indication, his wish wasn’t the problem. The power emanating from within was more than enough to mess with any long-range magic. Hell, it was making the little hairs stand up on my arms.
Whichever one of the Many was inside, his emancipation would be well worth my clumsy landing. The sooner I released this brethren, the less chance some human could use him for those three little freebies all captive Djinn are required to grant.
And three wishes created with the power I was feeling would generate more chaos than any of us needed right now.
------And now the real angst can begin. Be gentle. ;o)
Like I said when I read it, I enjoyed it and would keep reading =)
ReplyDeleteGood job for biting the bullet and putting it up! I know that's always a worry for us writers.
Hi, B.E. First of all, thank you for putting your work up for scrutiny. This takes a lot of guts. The story is your creation and plenty of sweat and tears went into it. This makes it difficult to read the good, the bad and the ugly.
ReplyDeleteHowever, an objective review can help an author polish his or her work. Since I recently underwent a first page critique, I will tell you it is a pride swallowing experience. Yet, it really does help. Here goes nothing.
1) I think the first paragraph is catchy and your plot has a lot of potential. I'm intrigued by the Djinn. The concept is fresh and interesting. Now onto some kinks I found.
2) I noticed you tell us the M.C.'s thoughts without showing us what she is seeing.
For example, you talk about the assitant's aim, but never explain what the target is. Why does the M.C. need to discuss the aim with her assitant? Did he miss? Did he hit the target? What was his mission? Also, why does she change her mind later? Remember, we don't know what the M.C. is looking at, so it is confusing.
Also, you never explain how Basil's wish went haywire.
3) In the second paragraph, you mention a "derelict warehouse." However, I don't think derelict is the proper word. Perhaps dilapadated would work better. Then you write, "After verifying everything was still intact, I pulled my hair back into a ponytail."
What is in tact? Everything doesn't describe what the M.C. is looking at. Are you referring to the warehouse or a piece of equipment?
"Pulling her hair back" does not add anything to the story. Maybe it helps the reader identify gender, but I think there is a better way to do this. Especially since many men wear their hair long nowadays.
4) Third paragraph, Instead of "I took a step toward the building, you could say, I walked, I made my way etc. Taking a step implies she took one step and stopped. If this is the case then you may want to rework the sentence.
5) How did the M.C. send a "silent
apology?" Did she text it, was it telepathically? Also is Basil the assistant or is he someone else? You never specify.
,
6)"The power emanating from within"
When you reference within, it would help if you could explain what you are referring to. Is the power a brilliant light, or a shadow looming over what the M.C. is looking at? Remember we aren't privy to the M.C.'s view.
7) There is not much conflict in the page. However, FWIW, this may be a good thing. I have lots of questions which need answering. I'd turn to the following page to see what's next.
8) This is nitpicky, but I think full proof is two words, not one.
I've given you a lot to digest, but keep in mind it is a first draft. This is where you identify and correct problems. You have a great idea here. I'm getting kind of a "Congo" vibe, but maybe I'm wrong. Nevertheless, once the writing is tightened up a bit, you will have a gripping story. All the best B.E. I hope my feedback helps.
If I had picked this up in a bookstore and read just this page, I would definitely buy the book. Very intriguing!
ReplyDeleteI would also like to start by saying, don't worry :-)
ReplyDeleteYou do have something good going. It is an interesting story.
Now, I'm not too happy about your writing... Now, I'm not a good writer, and English is not my mother tongue, but I'll give it a try, and hope it is of some use to you. If not, just delete and try to forget what I just said, I'm not an editor, so my opinion is worth as much as anyone else's :-D
What ever you do, DON'T STOP WRITING!
"Nothing like being plopped in a mound of kudzu" might be a better start. "Something in my gut" sounds... old...
"Nothing like being plopped in a mound of kudzu to confirm my suspicions that this rescue mission wasn't going to be much fun. "Damn Basil... we really need to have a chat about his aim..."
I checked that everything was intact, tightened my ponytail and headed towards the warehouse mentioned in the alert."
I think I'd like more speed... less adjectives, less "witty" sayings like "bundle of fun", "little freebies" and "my ass".
I would also like you to not try say a dozen things at once. Take it easy, follow the thought through and take things in the order they come. I'm talking about this:
"I didn’t struggle through more than a few feet of noxious vines before I sent a silent apology to Basil for doubting his aim. If the crackle in the air was any indication, his wish wasn’t the problem. The power emanating from within was more than enough to mess with any long-range magic. Hell, it was making the little hairs stand up on my arms.Whichever one of the Many was inside, his emancipation would be well worth my clumsy landing. The sooner I released this brethren, the less chance some human could use him for those three little freebies all captive Djinn are required to grant. And three wishes created with the power I was feeling would generate more chaos than any of us needed right now."
"After only a couple of steps I noticed the hair in my arms rising because of the power emanating from the house. Obviously Basil was not to be blamed for my landing. Who ever was in there was a strong one, and if he was captured by a human before I managed to rescue him, the wishes he was forced to fulfill were bound to create more chaos than any of us needed..."
Yes, I would like to know what happens next, too :-)
I think your story is very interesting, new, creative, but still using the "fashionable" themes, if that matters. ;-)
So, keep writing, and good luck :-)
Andrea, I think Basil is the assistant, and the "wish" is sort of magic that was used to get the protagonist in to the warehouse, and the "missing the target" was landing the protagonist on her/his ass in a mound of weeds about 100 yards from the "target".
ReplyDeleteAlso, Basil's "wish" went hayfire, because the djinn energy is messing up the magic, distorting the end results.
But, I suppose this needs to be told more clearly :-)
B.E., you have a good story here. I recently read a piece written in first person narrative. It was submitted for First Page Friday critique over at Slushbusters (slushbusters.blogspot.com). You will have to scroll through a few posts to get to it, but it may be provide a useful comparison of how someone else used this P.O.V.
ReplyDeleteFWIW, it takes time to polish a draft. Keep at it and don't give up. You have a great idea here. Thanks for sharing.