Last night I watched Biggest Loser, and tonight the gal I was rooting for got knocked off the show. Kristin was an inspiration. She worked hard, never got whiney, rarely got weepy, and didn't seem to delve into the backstabbing BS that can sometimes occur on shows like this.
But that isn't the point of this post.
What really chapped my hide about the whole thing was a couple of conversations held before the vote. In the first conversation, Kristin and Ron went off alone, and Ron assured Kristin he wouldn't vote her off. When she told him she wasn't sure what his son Mike was going to do, he told her that he didn't know, but he would talk to him. And then they flashed back to a scene where Ron told Kristin's mother that he would always have Kristin's back. The second conversation was between Ron and Mike behind closed doors (but the microphones were still on). Ron told his son to vote for Kristin, so there would be a tie and Kristin would be eliminated by default.
See, this way, he keeps his promise and still gets rid of Kristin.
The total lack of integrity shocked the shit out of me. Yeah, it's a game. $250,000 is on the line for the winner, and Ron wants to see his son win. I get it. But in my opinion, no amount of money is worth losing your integrity. Beyond that, what message does his lack of integrity send to his 18-yr old child?
Anyway, the whole thing got me thinking and related back to yesterday's dilemma. I think the issue is why I'm having trouble writing Fertile Ground. It probably also why my subconscious is attacking me at night. The direction this story has taken is not something I feel comfortable writing. If I continue in this direction and finish the story, it won't be one I can hold up and say is mine - not and still feel good about myself. I'd be shooting holes in my integrity if I left it like it is.
That's a problem for me. I mean, I truly believe that without integrity a person might as well be hollow.
Trust me, it isn't just about writing a difficult story. Hell, I did that with RTL, and I did it without flinching. It isn't just about stepping outside my comfort zone either. The way FG is going, I might as well just spend my time writing love letters to Michael Moore and his cronies. Without integrity, I'd fit right in with them.
Once I realized where the problem was coming from, the decision wasn't that hard to make. I'm sorry I spent so much time cranking out words that I'm now going to have to delete. Oh, I'll probably write Fertile Ground, but from where I sit, it'll be an almost total rewrite. 25K out the window. It's frustrating that I couldn't see this issue coming up before now, but sometimes thems the breaks.
Meanwhile, I'm still pluggin along on the red-ink edits for Nano. And I do still have the speculative story I can start. I'm down, but not far and not for long. Four weeks wasted is a small amount out of the year, and I can still get some good work done if I buckle down.
As always, thanks for listening (or reading, if you will). Sometimes I need to work through things on paper (or in this case electrons), and it helps to be able to blog the experience - even if it's not a good one. I sincerely hope this helps a reader somewhere along the way. After all, that's one of the most important reasons I keep this blog.
Onward and Upward, folks. And keep up the good words.
(*Thanks to Kristen for pointing out the right spelling for the Kristin on Biggest Loser. I never paid attention when they showed her name on screen, and went with the spelling I knew better.)