Aunt Dot's Guide to Household Weaponry

Hello, Dears.  My niece is feeling a little scattered this morning - she's been such a busy little thing these days - so I thought I'd just drop right in and talk to you about pinking shears like she said I would.  Although to be honest, I don't know why she picked pinking shears.  Oh they make a pretty pattern, but they're fairly silly for actually cutting anything.

Oh, I suppose one could stab at someone with a set of pinking shears.  They're pointy enough on the ends.  And if you were in a sticky situation, you could open them wide and slash at a masher.  But for actual damage, I'd prefer something more along the lines of a good carving knife.

What, Leo?  Oh right, B.E. asked me to try and stick to non-traditional weapons.  So knives are flat out.  Well, maybe next time I can talk to you about how to smash know-it-all husbands upside the head with a pig-shaped bacon press.

Have a lovely day, Dears, and don't forget to keep those household items handy. You never know when you'll need a weapon.  ;o)

The PROBLEM and the FIX

As you may have already seen on Facebook, last night I had a blinding flash of insight that derailed my perfectly lovely editing session.  There I was fixing little things, trying to make Djinnocide tighter and shinier, when all of a sudden the PROBLEM jumped out, scared the crap out of me and wouldn't go away. 

At first I was perfectly willing to believe I'd never seen the PROBLEM before.  After all, it scared me.  Maybe if I didn't acknowledge it's existence, I wouldn't have to admit I've been avoiding it all along.

There we both sat, staring at each other like we were in some damn Mexican standoff.  I certainly couldn't ignore it anymore.  I'm not quite sure how I managed to ignore it all these months - it's so damn big.

So I did what any self-respecting coward would do.  I went to bed.  I expected to be up half the night worrying about the PROBLEM.  Except I wasn't and here's the thing.  When the PROBLEM jumped out, the FIX stepped out right behind him.  I think she's been there all along, too, I just never even glimpsed her tiny frame with that behemoth hovering over her.  In fact, I think she might be what's making him look so freaking huge.

Because she's the real scary part.  The FIX, which seems so small when you look at her head on, is going to be the real bitch.  She's small but she's everywhere.  If I can kick her ass, though, the PROBLEM falls apart. 

Today, I will be kicking some butt and taking some names and adjusting what looks like four or five chapters.  Good thing it's rainy and gross.  Bad thing is that I have to do laundry while battling evil.

:shrug:  Just another day in the life of a writer. 

Running Out of Time

Sorry I've been silent.  I wish I could say it was strictly because I've been working, but it's not.  And now I've only got 5 days left in the month.  One book's beginning needs a total revamp.  Another needs some serious tweaking throughout.  One could use a total full-on polish during which I'm sure I'd find something to rewrite.  And I've only got 5 days.  (Okay, 5 until 10/1 but the submission window stays open for another 14 days after that, so 19 days, but still...)

I just don't think I can do it.  Not that I'm giving up.  I'm still going to try.  But I'm also being realistic.  And considering that I feel gross this morning, maybe realistic is best. 

Sooooo, today will be spent mostly on the couch - when I'm not running errands, playing shuttle driver, etc.  From there, I will utilize my daughter's Nook to re-read a manuscripts while jotting notes to fix said manuscript.  If that time is interspersed with naps, so be it.

What are you up to today?  What do you do when a deadline is looming and you know you're running out of time?  Do you freak out (like I'm currently doing), or do you just put your head down and motor through (like I usually do)?

Aunt Dot's Guide to Household Weaponry

There's a story my family tells of the day my Uncle Leo tried to take the last piece of pie.  Aunt Dot stabbed him with a fork - because, hey, the last piece is for guests.

In honor of good ol' Aunt Dot and her handy uses for kitchen cutlery, I've decided to start up a weekly installment of what I would imagine would be her thoughts on everyday items turned into instruments of death and destruction.

Take it away, Aunt Dot!

Good morning, Dears.  Can I offer anyone a slice of pie?  No?  Well, then let's get started.  Today I'd like to talk about the most handy of kitchen inventions:The Meat Thermometer.

Let's say a man enters your house intent to rip your lovely flowered house-dress off and ravage your body.  If you're like me, you've most likely got a pot roast in the oven or a chicken roasting away.  Leo does love his roasted chicken.  Well, if that's so, then you already have your meat thermometer handy.  If he comes at you from the front, simply pick an eye and aim for it.  Chances are you'll miss, but when you do, there're plenty of fleshy spaces for the point to sink into.  If he's already grabbed you from behind, reach back and stab at his eyes or, and Leo should remember this for the next time he wants to play hide the streudel... I already have enough children, thank you very much..., aim for his family jewels.

And that's how you use...  What, dear?  How would I use a meat thermometer to do away with someone??  I would never...  Well, yes, I suppose as a writer, it would be something for you to consider.  Just hypothetically, mind you...

Well, if I were to use a meat thermometer in that way... mind you I've never thought of such a thing... I guess I'd wait until they were asleep.  Creep up.  Pull the comforter back.  Find the depression between the third and fourth ribs on the left side and push that sucker in like I was testing a Thanksgiving turkey.  Of course, then you have to pull it back out really quick or it plugs its own hole...  But I'm just theorizing.  Leo, dear, why are you turning green?

Disclaimer: Other than the names, and the pie incident, the above is born of my twisted imagination.  As far as I can remember, my aunt was a lovely old woman who, except for stabbing Uncle Leo that one time, would never hurt anyone.  But she passed away 32 years ago, so I can't be sure.  Leo preceded her--I don't remember him at all.  I'd like to think, though, that Dot and Leo would appreciate the humor of this.  And I hope you do, too.  

Look for next week's installment when Aunt Dot explores the use of pinking shears for more than just creating a cute border.

Everything Else Falls By the Wayside

Right now, I'm up to my ankles in alligators.  Sure, I'm the one who put on my galoshes and waded out into the swamp, but that's beside the point.  Here I am.  And recognizing that I've made myself incredibly busy means I also have to recognize that at times like these, everything else falls by the wayside.

For instance:

- I haven't done dishes since Monday.
- I also haven't really cooked dinner (which means not doing dishes here hasn't been as grotesque as it sounds.)  Last night, we had Banquet - frozen crispy (they don't make 'fried' anymore) chicken.  The night before, sandwiches.  Thank goodness for paper plates and aluminum foil.  We're just totally out of clean spoons and juice glasses.
- We won't talk about my recent shower schedule, but I got one last night, so it's all good.
- My yard is beginning to look like 'urban jungle' in the truest sense of the word. I really need to mow.  And pull weeds.  And cut down the little tree growing up under my gas meter.

My husband is an incredibly patient man.  He's also been so busy this week, he makes me look like I'm standing still, so maybe he just didn't notice.  Well, until I mentioned the dishes and then we both laughed.  His answer:  "One good thing about dishes is that they aren't going anywhere."

Lucky for me also, my daughter's an adult now - so if she gets hungry, she can fend for herself.  Plus, she's working, which means she's gone all day and doesn't require as much attention as when she's home.

(And yeah, either one of the above could've done the dishes - but I like them done a certain way and while I do appreciate their assistance, their way irritates me.)

The two of them haven't fallen by the wayside.  Neither have my cats - who were both fed and petted and happy as of last night.  (Kira wants more food this morning, but she's a pig.)  So maybe I should've amended the subject of this post to 'everything non-living falls by the wayside'.  :shrug:

Oh crap.  I forgot to do the laundry yesterday.  And for some reason, I keep thinking it's Friday.  This must be what they talk about when they say 'writer brain'.  Or maybe it's just me.

Do things fall by the wayside when you're busy?  What do you let slide?

Blowing Smoke Up Your... Armpit

Okay, I was thinking about this recently and even more this morning, so I thought I'd write up a little post about the idea...

Idea:

When you write a query letter, you're supposed to put a little something in there to personalize the thing.  Where you found them, why you want to work with them, what it was about the agent or agency that drew you to them.  I don't want to disparage the practice - because well, hell, people do like to know that you've done your homework.

Oftentimes, though, such a paragraph comes out sounding like you're trying to blow smoke up someone's... armpit.  No matter how sincere you actually are trying to be.

So I leave it out.

Besides, after 8 years of querying, I'm not exactly sure where I found a particular agent initially, the whys of wanting to work with them are so numerous that detailing them would take more than a paragraph, and again, the what it is about a particular person that drew me to them are lost to the sands of time and my squonky memory cells.

Plus, telling someone that one article they wrote back in 2006 really blew my skirt up makes me seem like I'm just a Google junkie - which leads me back to the perceived sincerity (or lack thereof) issue.

Idea 1.2 (corollary):

When you truly love a writer and/or their work, and you go all fangirly in your reviews, you could possibly maybe sound like you're blowing smoke.

And there you are back at the sincerity issue again.  Bleh.

So, in the interest of cutting through the bull-pucky, let me just come right out now and say this one stone-hard fact:

I do not blow smoke up anyone's... armpit... for any reason.  If I tell you I like your work, I like it.  If I get all fangirl and SQUEE, it's the truth.  And if I do happen to say why I chose to send you my query, I'm telling it because I mean it.

Conversely, if I don't like something, I stay silent about it.  Because my mother always told me that if I couldn't say anything nice, not to say anything at all.  And she's one hell of a wise woman. 

Oh, and just for the sake of making this clear: please, for the sake of all things you hold sacred, don't blow smoke up my as...armpit either.

K?

Type Yourself Thin

Howdy Folks!  I'm here today with a special, limited-time offer.  Today only you can learn the secret to shedding those unwanted extra pounds (and a few of the wanted, necessary ones) quickly and easily.  All you have to do is...

TYPE YOURSELF THIN!

That's right, folks.  It's as simple as sitting your butt down in a comfortable desk chair, placing those wiggly digits on the keyboard and typing.  In no time at all, you'll be burning those calories and dropping dress sizes*!

Why just yesterday I typed over fifty-six HUNDRED words and I can already tell the difference.  My sweat pants are looser** and my ratty old t-shirt looks like a million bucks. 

As an added bonus to all those calories you're burning when you type, you'll reach a point where you no longer reach for those fattening treats***.  You'll just feel full and satisfied with the words you've created.

So, start today and TYPE YOURSELF THIN!

What have you got to lose (besides your sanity)?

Disclaimer: This pretend advertisement is in no way meant to imply that you will actually lose any significant amount of weight while typing.  Consult with a physician before starting or stopping any typing routine.  Your mileage may vary.  Offer not valid outside the U.S.  Offer also not valid inside the U.S. 

* or at least dropping the idea of wearing dresses altogether.

** probably because I didn't eat much yesterday since I was too busy typing

***because you can no longer lift your arms.