Monday, October 18, 2010

Fresh Eyes, Please

Jo Mayweather’s not a typical gal—even amongst her fellow Djinn.  She hasn’t had to call anyone ‘Master’ since WWII.  Unlike most of her kind, she's got no problem living with humans--which certainly doesn’t help her status with the brethren.  And while most of her kind are either out enjoying eternity or slowly going nuts from it, she spends her immortality helping others gain their freedom, too.  With everything going on in her life, being different doesn’t seem like such a big deal.   
When some creepy Efreet starts killing the Djinn Jo’s supposed to save, her whole bizarre world frays like a cheap sweater.  It’s bad enough she has a killer to catch, but fighting against a conspiracy of silence shouldn’t have to be part of the plan.  Of course, neither should finding out two of her closest friends could be working for a murderer.  Needless to say, the whole situation has her doubting everything she thought she knew about being Djinn.   With her supposedly-immortal brethren dying around her, though, she’s not going to let something like a little lack of knowledge stop her—even if ignorance could get her killed.  Or worse—enslaved again. 

That's the latest incarnation.  I've looked at it so much, my eyes are going squonky.  If this isn't it, I'm at a serious loss. 


  1. I like it! I'd suggest cutting out "Needless to say," -- it broke up the flow -- but otherwise it works for me.

    It has an interesting MC, a clear choice, good conflict, and great stakes!

  2. Your voice shines through in this version, B.E. I love the "frays like a cheap sweater" and "not a typical gal" sentences (definite voice there).

    You have everything you need - the heroine and her 'normal' world and the chaos that will drive a plot forward. The last paragraph could be tightened up a bit (the conspiracy of silence threw me - and I think the friends part could be more prominent.

    I love the last sentence - perfect. Could you pull that and have it stand on its own as the third paragraph?

    Of course, just my opinion. Take it with a grain of salt :)

  3. Thanks, Ladies. I appreciate your help and your suggestions. I just incorporated them and I think it's even better. Dudes, you are totally getting a nod if I ever get this published.

  4. Im real sleepy so I couldnt spot anything the others didnt already say. However, I would say to cut back on the dashes. I saw 4 in a relatively small amount of text. I'd cut that in half if I were you. =)

  5. People already left great comments. There's a lot in there I don't understand (what the Djinn are; what's an Efreet; why she has no master, etc) but it still is really interesting! I'd ask for a full.