Okay, so here's the deal. You might've guessed that I'm smack in the middle of a crisis of self-confidence. (Or you might not have. I skipped posting a lot of the worst of it.) I know it's not rational, but right now, I think everything I write sucks. In fact, the little voice in the back of my head... You know the one... keeps telling me that everything I've ever written sucks and the future ain't lookin' too good either. (Henceforth, this place shall be known as the ES Zone.)
Enter yesterday morning. I opened my Outlook and watched the universe deposit a shiny new email in my 'Agent' box. (Yes, I'm such a geek. I trained my Outlook to place anything with the word 'query' in the subject into its own box.) Of course, with as negative as I've been feeling, it had to be a rejection.
Except it wasn't.
You'd think my first reaction would be one of glee. You know, jumping around, doing the Snoopy dance, celebrating a little before I sent my awesome packet out. My reaction wasn't even close to that. I think my first thought was 'Sunuvabitch' and then, 'How in the world am I going to send out a quality packet with any confidence if I think everything sucks right now'. I couldn't even look at the damn thing to make sure I was wrong. Hell, I'm at the point where I even think my grocery lists are lame.
Don't get me wrong. I know I loved this story when I first wrote it. I loved it even more when I rewrote it to make the middle sing. Now? Well, the ES Zone doesn't allow for love. It sure as hell doesn't allow for objectivity. It just sucks everything into the same pool and leeches the wonder out of it.
So, I was freaking out a little.
I didn't tell my husband. I didn't say a word to Mom. I just ran around on the little hamster wheel in my head, thinking "As god is my witness, I don't know what to do." I debated sending out a blanket email beseeching people for help. I briefly pondered the idea of writing the nice agent a lovely letter asking her to be patient while I rewrote everything I'd ever written - because, of course, I stink on ice.
Instead, I cleaned. I scrubbed the kitchen floor by hand. I dust-mopped and swept and vacuumed. I beat rugs until I was covered in a thin layer of dust. When I was too tired to move, I flopped on the couch and read while I watched TV. Later, I delved deeper into my family tree - discovering a spot where my suspicions were confirmed. (I knew at some point I'd find cross-breeding in my direct descendent line.) Finally, as my husband was heading off to the nice warm bed I wanted to climb into, I screwed my courage up, pulled my big girl panties on, and got to work.
I'm trying to forge through the ES Zone - re-reading with an eye toward fatal errors, but not changing anything major because I know I'm being Super Subjective Sally right now. My fingers itch to wipe everything away and start over - using someone else's brain and hands because mine suck so bad - but I'm pushing ahead. Just because I'm in the ES Zone doesn't mean I actually suck. I'm just not objective at the moment. (Yeah, yeah. I don't suck. I'm just not being objective. That's the ticket.)
Here's hoping the agent isn't hanging out in the ES Zone herself. Now THAT would truly suck.
If all goes well, the submission materials will be going out today or tomorrow. Wish me luck.
Update: 6:55pm - Submission package sent. I looked everything over and I did the best I could. Thanks, Everyone, for your well wishes and luck. We'll see how it goes from here.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Dull, Whiny, Ranty or Nothing?
I know there's been a lot of 'heritage' posts lately. Facing facts this morning, I think the reason why I'm so engrossed with this genealogy research is that I feel like I'm accomplishing something there. I need to feel like I'm getting something done, especially when I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere in the rest of my life.
So, rather than put up a bunch of whiny posts about how everything else is stalled, I throw out information that I find interesting or I don't post at all. I realize, however, that what I find interesting (i.e. my family) is probably dull as dirt to the rest of the world. Sorry about that. Seriously.
If you had a choice on the blogs you read between dull posts, whiny posts, ranty posts or no posts at all, which would you choose?
So, rather than put up a bunch of whiny posts about how everything else is stalled, I throw out information that I find interesting or I don't post at all. I realize, however, that what I find interesting (i.e. my family) is probably dull as dirt to the rest of the world. Sorry about that. Seriously.
If you had a choice on the blogs you read between dull posts, whiny posts, ranty posts or no posts at all, which would you choose?
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Researching My Heritage Pt 2
Sorry I've been quiet. This Ancestry.com thing is addictive. Add to that some other important family things, and I've been pulled in a lot of directions lately. It's all good, but everything is making me neglect my blog.
On the upside, I have been getting some writing done. I'm still meandering around blindly, trying to pick up the thread I lost 2 years ago, but so far, so good. I think I need to throw in a new body. Either that or sic the villain on the MC. Terri's getting to complacent and the villain's getting bored. ;o)
On another upside, I traced the American Indian link in my grandfather's family tree. Apparently, I'm 1/16th of some tribe. I haven't found out which, yet. I also found where my great-grandfather was injured in the Franco-Prussian war. It would probably be a lot more significant if I read German, but I muddled along enough to figure out he was a 2nd Lt on the Prussian side. Maybe his military background is why my grandfather was named Wilhelm - after the Kaiser? :shrug:
My world is covered in sticky notes and printed census lists, but it's a good world right now.
How's your world?
On the upside, I have been getting some writing done. I'm still meandering around blindly, trying to pick up the thread I lost 2 years ago, but so far, so good. I think I need to throw in a new body. Either that or sic the villain on the MC. Terri's getting to complacent and the villain's getting bored. ;o)
On another upside, I traced the American Indian link in my grandfather's family tree. Apparently, I'm 1/16th of some tribe. I haven't found out which, yet. I also found where my great-grandfather was injured in the Franco-Prussian war. It would probably be a lot more significant if I read German, but I muddled along enough to figure out he was a 2nd Lt on the Prussian side. Maybe his military background is why my grandfather was named Wilhelm - after the Kaiser? :shrug:
My world is covered in sticky notes and printed census lists, but it's a good world right now.
How's your world?
Monday, April 4, 2011
Trade Off Carrots
I broke down and got a trial subscription to Ancestry.com today. Probably not the wisest move I've ever made to forward my writing, but once I saw they had records on my grandfather, but I couldn't access them without paying, I had to do it. (And that's how they suck you in, the dirty bastards.)
Know what? It's really addictive. I spent most of the day researching my family and then my husband's family and then my daughter's father's family. I told myself I could research during the time I wouldn't be writing anyway, and in return, I would write. No writing tonight and no playing tomorrow - that was my trade off.
It wasn't exactly fair, since I only did 570 words, but still, it worked. I didn't want to stop researching - there's so much more to learn - but I made myself close the programs and write. And that's a start. Consider it my carrot for sitting here when I would rather be sleeping.
What kinds of carrots do you use when you don't feel like writing? Or are you disciplined enough that you don't need carrots? I really need to get there, but until I have an agent, the impetus just doesn't seem to be handy for that kind of dedication.
(And yes, I realize that I might have the whole thing backwards. I had the drive once upon a time. Now I just need the carrot again.)
Know what? It's really addictive. I spent most of the day researching my family and then my husband's family and then my daughter's father's family. I told myself I could research during the time I wouldn't be writing anyway, and in return, I would write. No writing tonight and no playing tomorrow - that was my trade off.
It wasn't exactly fair, since I only did 570 words, but still, it worked. I didn't want to stop researching - there's so much more to learn - but I made myself close the programs and write. And that's a start. Consider it my carrot for sitting here when I would rather be sleeping.
What kinds of carrots do you use when you don't feel like writing? Or are you disciplined enough that you don't need carrots? I really need to get there, but until I have an agent, the impetus just doesn't seem to be handy for that kind of dedication.
(And yes, I realize that I might have the whole thing backwards. I had the drive once upon a time. Now I just need the carrot again.)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Wrote New Words!
Dang, it feels good to write new words again. It's like going without pizza... when you finally get that first bite, it tastes soooo good.
You'll also notice a new meter over there on the left. Or rather it's an old meter resurrected to go with my resurrected story - tentatively called Fertile Ground. I hope to keep the bar moving on a daily basis. I just need to give myself a swift kick in the buns every once in a while.
Have a great day tomorrow everyone. I'm hittin' the sack.
You'll also notice a new meter over there on the left. Or rather it's an old meter resurrected to go with my resurrected story - tentatively called Fertile Ground. I hope to keep the bar moving on a daily basis. I just need to give myself a swift kick in the buns every once in a while.
Have a great day tomorrow everyone. I'm hittin' the sack.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Researching My Heritage
Have you ever seen that show Who Do You Think You Are? I think I blogged about it last year. It's a show where they follow one famous person's journey to discover their heritage. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's sad. It's very often enlightening - like when Matthew Broderick found out one of his ancestors actually was killed in the Civil War. (Glory, anyone?)
Anyway, I was watching it last night when I was struck with the urge to do a little research of my own. From time to time, I do this anyway - because it's fun and interesting. Hell, I started doing this in college when I worked in the Government Documents Department and had access to a boatload of microfiche. I was the first Meissner to find a picture of our infamous 'Cousin Otto' - the guy who worked for Hitler. I know a lot about my family, but there are still a few missing pieces. (Like how exactly we're related to good ol' Otto.)
After a while of typing my paternal grandfather's name every which way - one S, two S, his real first name spelled a couple different ways, the name my father thought was his real first name but was actually his middle name. - I think I might've found the ship's document with his name on it.
That was the big score of the night. One document that might show when Bruno got here. (Maybe. I still have to talk to Mom to confirm dates and names.) Another thing I learned? I don't know as much about my ancestry as I thought. Once I get to my paternal grandparents, everything just sort of stops. I had better luck with Husband's family - but his group has some more unusual names than ours. (Yeah, who knew Meissner was like the German equivalent to Johnson.) At least on his mother's side. There are about as many Sandersons as there are Meissners in the world.
And it gets worse. On my mom's side, the main surnames I have to work with are Judd and Sherman. (Speaking of which, next week's episode of WDYTYA features Ashley Judd - who I may or may not be related to.) Try finding those needles in the internet haystack. Bleh. Thank goodness my last name isn't Smith.
I was supposed to be writing, but I worked on this until bed. It's a huge timesuck, but it's really interesting to see the individual leaves on the ol' family tree. And hey, if I hadn't done this, I probably would've have known that Hubs is part Hungarian. Maybe I should make a pot of goulash to celebrate. LOL
Have you ever researched your heritage? Find anything interesting?
Anyway, I was watching it last night when I was struck with the urge to do a little research of my own. From time to time, I do this anyway - because it's fun and interesting. Hell, I started doing this in college when I worked in the Government Documents Department and had access to a boatload of microfiche. I was the first Meissner to find a picture of our infamous 'Cousin Otto' - the guy who worked for Hitler. I know a lot about my family, but there are still a few missing pieces. (Like how exactly we're related to good ol' Otto.)
After a while of typing my paternal grandfather's name every which way - one S, two S, his real first name spelled a couple different ways, the name my father thought was his real first name but was actually his middle name. - I think I might've found the ship's document with his name on it.
That was the big score of the night. One document that might show when Bruno got here. (Maybe. I still have to talk to Mom to confirm dates and names.) Another thing I learned? I don't know as much about my ancestry as I thought. Once I get to my paternal grandparents, everything just sort of stops. I had better luck with Husband's family - but his group has some more unusual names than ours. (Yeah, who knew Meissner was like the German equivalent to Johnson.) At least on his mother's side. There are about as many Sandersons as there are Meissners in the world.
And it gets worse. On my mom's side, the main surnames I have to work with are Judd and Sherman. (Speaking of which, next week's episode of WDYTYA features Ashley Judd - who I may or may not be related to.) Try finding those needles in the internet haystack. Bleh. Thank goodness my last name isn't Smith.
I was supposed to be writing, but I worked on this until bed. It's a huge timesuck, but it's really interesting to see the individual leaves on the ol' family tree. And hey, if I hadn't done this, I probably would've have known that Hubs is part Hungarian. Maybe I should make a pot of goulash to celebrate. LOL
Have you ever researched your heritage? Find anything interesting?
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